dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
