I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Do vagina's smell?
only you would photoshop your dick
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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