"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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