Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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