You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
