So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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