If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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