I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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