I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
