and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
