I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
