Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
