I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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