Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
