"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Is it penis luge time yet?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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