Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He is an equal opportunity slut.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
