I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
