just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
