Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
