you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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