it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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