I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
