I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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