Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize