So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
