Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
