I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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