I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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