Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
