After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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