I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
