I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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