WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
