i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I want to be your penis for a week.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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