I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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