I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize