You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
