I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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