Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
