at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
