he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
