So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
