Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
