Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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