So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
