I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
