Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
