thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
