If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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