I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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