eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You need Xanax blowdarts
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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