i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
