So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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