i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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