I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
