I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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