My hand turned me down
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She's the barista slut.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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