i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
