how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
