You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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