I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
