So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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